A Friendship Portal

The Yearning to Gather All the Good Amid All the Chaos

I’ve lived in three cities in six years, and each place contains stories of inestimable joy for me. The grievous and tumultuous moments equal (or perhaps outweigh) the fond memories, and I cope with them often by lessening the difficulties through gratitude, but deep down I feel the heartbreak. And one of the heartbreaks of moving to another city, even if exciting, is the emotional transition of saying goodbye to the good that existed.

The sadness of transition is tough to handle, maybe especially so when you know you’re supposed to leave your current location but fear the wreckage that awaits ahead more than you despise the torture that haunts your present.

The moves I’ve made all felt necessary, but none of them has led to a picturesque, living circumstance. My fears have been confirmed thus far. Unhealthy patterns in others have unearthed themselves by projection onto me. The relationships I hoped to restore manifested as doorways into more complications, for which I had no energy nor the belief to imagine a better future. My own shadows feel like they’ve multiplied rather than healthily decreased.

These stresses are not the only true things, however. I still have friendships across the globe that sustain and rejuvenate me. But, interactions with these friends constantly stir up something in me that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to escape. This stirring discloses itself as a dream to portal all of my loved ones to one spot, wherever I am.

I’ve always been attached to pleasant people, stories, and places.

When my family would make our annual trip to visit our family in Minnesota, I dreaded going back home. The trips were magical to me. The two main questions I would ask were, “How long til we get there?” and “How many days til we come back?” I couldn’t manage the pain of losing the sensation of joy found in the freshness of welcome company.

I sobbed uncontrollably when Mama Coco’s memory was renewed through hearing her father’s song rediscovered by her great-grandson Miguel in the realm of the dead. The truth was recovered and ancestral stories were corrected. I watched Coco 13 times in 2 months and sang "Remember Me” daily. If you ask my college friends, they would label me a Coco Evangelist. No not that type of coco.

Every country I’ve visited has habilitated the parts of me that don’t emote to nature. Creation has recently become beautiful to me instead of a vehicle of harsh winds and white witch winters. The power in the oneness of a leaf to a branch and the waters on the shore is slowly capturing my attention, and it facilitates my attentiveness to my loved ones.

These attachments are sneak peeks into my diagnosis of why I dream of such a portal. It’s not because I’m an extrovert, though I am. It’s not because I struggle with being alone, though I used to (I’ve gotten way better; praise the Ancient One). It’s because every taste of disfellowship and trauma I encounter creates a longing in me for the embrace of those who know me deeply. It may sound mercenary, but I don’t know how else to slice it. Those who have stuck with me through hardship and still partake in the bread and wine of goofiness that I offer, and they invite me onto the roadways of their brilliant minds and hospitable hearts, build that dream of mine to construct this portal.

Its impossibility is not lost on me. Neither is its foolishness. This desire of mine to dance with all of those who have brought me healing would not necessarily be of benefit to them. Inadvertently, I could be introducing one friend to another whose presence and behaviors bring great discomfort. I’d be imposing on them my dream without asking them theirs. I don’t often contemplate why letting go is so important. When my thoughts are clear enough, though, I think it’s because I believe that I can negotiate myself and others into joy via aggregating my version of heaven and benevolently forcing it onto those whose peace looks (and rightfully so) different.

So, I’ve decided that it’s probably best to vanish the portal and instead voice to these loved ones what they truly mean to me on ample occasions. To tell them I miss them and wish that we could be in the same place while acknowledging (when such things occur) the flourishing I’m experiencing and celebrating theirs as well in our respective places.

Maybe I don’t have to escape such a dream, but I’m embracing the importance of adjusting it to maintain my sanity and advocate for the freedom of others in their staying or leaving, as they let me when I left.

Luh y’all big time,

Ru.

Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash